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We live busy lives and in a high stress culture. What can you do to help de-stress and calm your kids?

1. Calm yourself first.

Kids are hitchhikers on their parents’ nervous system, so you can’t expect them to be any calmer than you. Calming yourself first also models for them what to do and how to do it. Let them know you are taking a 5 minute time out to calm down before you can talk. (That will give them a chance to calm down too.)

2. Listen without fixing.

It’s hard to see and hear about our children’s stress, but that is exactly what they need.  Can you give them a regular 5 minutes of listening only. No fixing. No correcting. No lecturing. Just acceptance and being heard.  If they know they will get that, it also helps them be able to wait for your attention, (however you’ll probably have to point it out). [Read more…] about 5 Strategies to Calm Stress at Home

“What is it?” asked the child. “It’s a cocoon,” the teacher said. “Inside is a butterfly. Soon the cocoon will split and the butterfly will come out.”

“May I have it?” the child asked.

“Yes, but you must promise that when the cocoon splits and the butterfly starts to come out and is beating its’ wings to get out of the cocoon, you won’t help it. Don’t help the butterfly by breaking the cocoon apart. Let him do it by himself.”

The child promised and took the cocoon home to watch it. Finally it began to vibrate, move and quiver. At last it split. Inside was a beautiful, damp butterfly frantically beating its wings against the cocoon, trying to get out. The butterfly didn’t seem to be able to get free.

The child desperately wanted to help. After watching a while, the child gave in to impulse and helped pushed the cocoon apart. The butterfly sprang out. As soon as it got up into the air, it fell to the ground and died. The child picked up the dead butterfly, in tears went back and showed the teacher.

“You helped open the cocoon, didn’t you?” Through tears, the child said, “Yes, I did.”

“You didn’t understand or see what you were doing. When the butterfly comes out of the cocoon, the only way it can strengthen his wings is by beating them against the cocoon so its’ muscles will grow. When you helped it, you prevented it from getting strong enough to fly. That’s why the butterfly fell to the ground and died.”
___________________

It’s hard to watch our children struggle, but it’s required for them to grow wings of confidence, courage, grit (inner strength), and self-worth. Are there ways you deny your child the struggle of solving problems, facing challenges, going without, working hard, and failing?

Kids want to be their own heroes. Overcoming obstacles and challenges is required to be proud and know themselves as strong and capable. Don’t kill their opportunity to grow through struggle by being too helpful.

We are always in the dance of balancing struggle and support, attunement and boundaries. Listen to your deepest intuition.

— Sherry Lewis 

If motivation is a bucket to be filled, it is filled with raindrops collected over time, not a one time event. It comes from both feeling capable of success and an accumulation of awareness, appreciation and satisfaction for a job well done. How do you help build this in children?

Here are some strategies.

1. Set small, attainable, FUN goals. These must be the kid’s goals, not the parent’s; things that they have desire for. Make them small to build successes. Success begets success, IF it is reflected on and assimilated.

2. Make it a game, a game they can win. We are all pulled more toward fun than drudgery. Most things can be turned into a game, adding fun and joy: increasing motivation. [Read more…] about Summer Motivation

How do you teach your child

• To be patient?
• To be able to wait for things?
• To set goals and work toward something in the future?
• To feel confident in multi-step problem solving?

Here are a few ideas to work on this summer.

1. Set a mid-term goal of a semi-larger family purchase, activity or event that they can and want to be part of the process

Perhaps it’s a vacation, attend an event together, a larger purchase such as a TV, camper, redecorating a bedroom, etc.

This is something

• you are probably doing or buying anyway
• they really would like
• happening 2-4 months in the future.

[Read more…] about 8 Steps to Teach Delayed Gratification

Below is a list of 12 Roadblocks to communication. Each of these shut down communication with others. Which ones do you see yourself doing and how is it impacting your relationships?

1. Ridiculing, Name Calling, Shaming

Such messages can have a devastating effect on self image and may lead to similar responses back. Messages like this will not encourage others to look at what they are doing realistically. Instead, they will focus on the unfairness of the message.

2. Criticizing, Judging, Blaming, Disagreeing

This  message makes others feel bad, incompetent, inadequate, inferior and/or stupid. They may respond defensively – after all, no one likes to be wrong! Evaluation such as this cuts off communication – “I won’t tell you if you’re going to judge me!” [Read more…] about What Stops Your Kids from Listening to You?

It’s more than the fireworks and they aren’t waiting until they are independent.

Talk about sex (and drugs) with your kids and do it often.

Not just teenagers and I’m not referring to the once or twice in a lifetime talk about the birds & bees, puberty or using condoms. I’m talking about a conversation that spans over a decade that includes your values and thoughts regarding relationships.

1. Start now. Preschool is the beginning of internalizing relationship values. You are their model for how to act in relationships. Children cannot separate how you treat and talk to your child’s other parent with how you feel about them. For them, it’s all personal and it’s all about them. You are always modeling your relationships values, and it’s important to talk about them throughout their life. Help them assess what traits are important in a friend and why. This will help them in the dating years to make those assessments as well. [Read more…] about Talk about Sex

Social media and gaming are two things that parents express great concern over regarding their kids. How much is too much? Is it an addiction? Shouldn’t they be doing other things?

What Parents Can Do

1. Ask Questions.

Engage kids in inquiry and questioning (avoid lecturing, shaming or blaming). This is designed to increase their awareness of their choices and its’ impact in relationship to other goals and options. The goal is to get the kid thinking for themselves, questioning their own use, their peer’s use, the media messages they get and to understand better why you have the values you do and to adopt an internal set of personal values in these areas that will continue to guide them when they are not at home.

Use the conversations to instill critical thinking and analysis, so that they can continue to practice that skill as they grow and when they are on their own making decisions.

[Read more…] about Social Media & Gaming

How do you increase your child’s motivation?

External motivation is based on fear, avoidance of discomfort and seeking pleasure. We use this type of motivation when we nag, punish, threaten, reward or praise to get compliance. It puts us in the role of policing behavior and may work in the short term. It’s the “carrot & the stick.” There are times this type of motivation is helpful and necessary, but its results are limited. This motivation can be used to set important limits and boundaries and to modify behavior in a structured, systematic way, (similar to animal training programs).

Unless motivation becomes internal, the results will never last long term.

Why does that matter? As parents, we will not be around when children make many, if not most, of their decisions, especially as they get older. If they only buckle their seat belt because of external motivation, (reminders, nagging, threats), there is no guarantee that they will buckle it when you’re not there; when they are driving or in the car with friends. [Read more…] about Motivation

Some ideas to create a great summer!

1. Summer Goals 

Have your kids make a list of things they would like to do by the end of the summer. Help them think in many different categories. Books, projects, places, things to learn, even projects around the house such as learning to cook or do laundry.  Make sure they are fun and not just things to avoid.

Break goals and projects down into smaller milestones to achieve in week by week, with step-by-step plans to create success.  This also creates positive anticipation and happier kids.

In addition to individual goals, create some family goals and perhaps even a community project to participate in.  Make a chart for the whole family, where everyone can log their goal progress and encourage each other as the days go by. [Read more…] about Successful Summer Plans

Homework is a source of conflict in many homes. Here are some strategies to help reduce conflict and use it as an opportunity for building life skills.

1. Change Homework time to “Study Time”

One way kids avoid homework is to “not have any,” not remember, or forget it at school. If there is a regular study time, regardless of homework, those arguments don’t work.

When no homework is due tomorrow, study time can be used to work on a project due in the future, study for a test, review notes, reading, or organize school work or backpack.

2. Regular Routine

Keep study time in the same location of the house and same time of day as much as possible. The more regularity, the less hassles you will have.

3. Set-up

Teach kids to “set-up” or prepare before starting homework. Have them check to see if they have their supplies, water, etc., before starting. With help, this habit can carry over to all areas of life, reducing their dependence on you. [Read more…] about Make Homework Easier

Questions about kids and money:

• Should kids get allowance?
• If so, should the allowance be tied to chores, grades, or other performance?
• Should allowance be given without any attachment, just because they are part of the family?
• What about purchases children want, beg for?
• What if I negotiate/bribe/etc., to give them money if they do what I want them to do?
• How do I teach my child financial responsibility and making wise choices?

Given  that there are many things we want to teach our children about money, there have to be different strategies used at different times to succeed. There is never one right answer for all kids at all ages.  [Read more…] about Teaching Kids about Money

One of my 15 year old clients began to see that his behavior with is cell phone was all consuming and addictive. In his words:

“I used to text all the time, including when trying to sleep, during meals, homework, and classes. I had to sneak because if I got caught, I’d lose my phone. I sent hundreds (maybe even thousands) of texts a day. It absorbed my time and attention. I could even text in my pants pocket, without ever pulling the phone out and looking at it. I’m a pretty normal teenager and would say my skills and habits are not unusual. Many kids text all day (and night). It made me feel connected with others, even when home alone. It gave me a feeling of self-worth, knowing that people would text me back. If I didn’t have a phone or couldn’t text, I felt isolated and very alone. My phone would pull my attention from everything else. I had sleeping problems and couldn’t hardly ever put my phone down.

“Emotionally, I relied on others texting me back or I started to feel unwanted. My therapist suggested I try some things which actually helped! [Read more…] about Putting the Cell Phone to Bed

1. Be gentle and patient with yourself and your children

• Grant space for what ever feelings may come up.
• There doesn’t have to be a right way or wrong way to do things.
• The ‘things’ that matter most are not things at all.  They are the quality of how we live our life and the relationships we have.
• Relax and enjoy who you are with … including yourself.

2. When upset, take time out. Don’t yell. 
This is for the kids and the adults.  No one can think well when upset. Take time out to calm down and self-sooth before being around people again.  Don’t dump your upset on others.

3. Let go of expectations. They only cause stress. I tell teenagers going to Prom to let go of expectations and enjoy themselves. When they want ‘the perfect date’ or ‘the perfect night’ or even to ‘look perfect’ they end up miserable because nothing measures up and they miss out on all the fun to be had.  It’s the same with holidays. Let them be what they are and just enjoy what is there to enjoy. It won’t be perfect!

Some are eager to get up, but many resist it.  And once people are up, getting ready and out the door on time is another matter.  Here are some simple ways to help make it easier.

1.  Start with a conversation 

Talk with your child (or spouse) about how mornings are going, and how you would like them to go instead. Get their ideas.  Create a positive problem-solving atmosphere and get an agreement to try to make it positive for everyone. Making it a game helps!

2. Plan for 10-15 minutes of gradual wake up 

Set two alarms for waking up. The first can be a gentle one that disturbs sleep, but allows for gradual wake up. Waking up to pleasant music is one way to facilitate this. Make sure they understand that this is their personal time, and when the second alarm goes off, it’s time to get moving.  [Read more…] about 3 Ideas for Getting to School in the Mornings

We can handicap our children when we don’t teach them important life skills through chores. Chores can be used to build self-esteem, confidence, responsibility, sense of importance and value, respect, and more. How do we get kids to do chores and not have Chore Wars?

1. Discuss them when no one is upset. No one is motivated by upset, angry, or critical (i.e. not good enough, or you failed already) conversation. We avoid pain and seek pleasure and comfort, so talk about them when people are calm. When discussing chore expectations: outline (and have kids come up with) positive and negative consequences to follow. Talk about ways to make chores fun with a game, competition, a reward system, or family time after they’re done.

2. Clearly outline what needs to be done IN WRITING. Make a chart, list, or pictures for younger kids. Adults use lists to remember. Kids need them too. It’s easier to redirect a child back to a chart, rather than reminding them (which can turn into nagging).

Note that generally kids don’t remember more than 3 commands at a time. If you give them 5 things to do, they won’t remember all of them. Break it down into smaller amounts and make it visual. [Read more…] about Chore Wars – 5 Ways to Help Your Child

When you get off work or get home from a trip, you may find that you a few moments of down time to transition from the previous activity before being ready to jump into the next activity.  Our children have the same need and will function better if we help them meet that need.  Doing so will actually save time because you’ll have fewer ‘melt-downs’ due to inability to handle any more.  How can we help them do that?

1. Plan transition time into the daily schedule. The biggest time is right after school. Plan 10-30 minutes with your child of down time before jumping into homework or chores.

2. Talk with your child about how much time they think they need and how to best spend that time; a snack, quiet time, with a pet, outside, art or drawing, creative activities.  This is not friend time and preferably not electronic time.  It’s time to regroup within ourselves.

3. Use a timer. If it’s important that they move onto the next activity quickly, discuss this ahead of time and use a timer to let them know when time is up.

Is it possible?  I actually remember getting in trouble as a child for “making us late.”  You may too. What would have helped me then?

1. Clarify your expectation. I didn’t have the bigger picture of what the goal was. I didn’t know what time we needed to leave, what being ready looked like. I wasn’t part of the solution. I was sent to my room to ‘get ready’  and was expected to come out ready to go.  Even  as an adult, I don’t do that successfully all the time. Have you ever forgotten your check book, diaper bag, lunch, etc.?  “Getting ready” is a skill that can be taught, step-by-step.

2. Teach the skill. Just making the statement “go get ready” doesn’t really tell what you want to have happen. Take the time (when not in a rush) to explain your expectations of what being ready includes and discuss how much time is needed.  Make kids part of the solution and use their ideas too. Then they’ll be much more apt to try to make it work.

3. Make it visual. Use charts, lists, and pictures to help kids remember each thing they need to accomplish to ‘be ready.’ We do that as adults too. [Read more…] about 5 ways to help your child get out the door on time

Anger isn’t bad, and can actually serve a valuable purpose, warning us when our boundaries may be crossed. However, sometimes that warning system is over-reactive, like a dog barking at everyone that passes by. As parents, we are part of our children’s emotional regulation system until they develop it for themselves.

How can you help your child when they’re upset? 

1. Don’t problem-solve when upset. The more upset anyone becomes, the less they can think rationally.  Our brain goes “offline.”  Trying to reason with an upset person can be like trying to problem-solve with a drunk. It doesn’t work, and usually makes things worse.

2. Simply acknowledge the feeling. Just making the statement “You’re angry” lets them know you “get it,” helps them learn to identify their feelings (before they take over), and can begin the process of re-regulating their emotions. You don’t have to agree, defend your position, argue, or say anything else. (Remember, their brain is “off line.”)  If you acknowledge the feeling, it often begins to dissipate. [Read more…] about Kid’s Anger: 5 ways to help your child

Yelling is a bad habit any of us can fall into, often out of frustration. It doesn’t work, but it does cause damage to people and relationships. Here are 5 questions to ask yourself about yelling.

1. Is is working? Am I getting the results I wanted? Is behavior improving in this area?

2.  Would I allow someone else (a teacher or neighbor) to treat my child this way?  Why not?

3.  Would I treat other people this way? (co-workers, neighbors) [Read more…] about Stop Yelling! 5 questions to ask yourself