How do you increase your child’s motivation?
External motivation is based on fear, avoidance of discomfort and seeking pleasure. We use this type of motivation when we nag, punish, threaten, reward or praise to get compliance. It puts us in the role of policing behavior and may work in the short term. It’s the “carrot & the stick.” There are times this type of motivation is helpful and necessary, but its results are limited. This motivation can be used to set important limits and boundaries and to modify behavior in a structured, systematic way, (similar to animal training programs).
Unless motivation becomes internal, the results will never last long term.
Why does that matter? As parents, we will not be around when children make many, if not most, of their decisions, especially as they get older. If they only buckle their seat belt because of external motivation, (reminders, nagging, threats), there is no guarantee that they will buckle it when you’re not there; when they are driving or in the car with friends.
So how do you increase internal motivation? Internal motivation is based on personal values, reasoning, and an internal sense of pleasure or pain.
1. Notice the internal feelings of satisfaction.
One key to increasing your child’s internal motivation is to help them become aware of the joys and pleasures of the every day important things. We live busy lives and miss many of the opportunities to notice these things. Make this part of your daily conversation.
Examples:
- Brushing teeth: Rub your tongue over your teeth to notice how good they feel clean and how yucky they feel dirty.
- Getting enough sleep: Notice and talk about feeling good waking up rested, and compare to the feelings without.
- Gaming: Notice how much feels enjoyable, and when that feeling changes to an uncomfortable one of overdoing.
- School work: Notice the peace of mind in being prepared and the good feeling of accomplishment.
- Cleaning: After the cleaning is done, pause and look back and appreciate how it looks and feels to live and work in that environment. Talk about it like you would a beautiful sunset.
2. Repetition.
Changing an opinion or attitude is not a one time conversation. It takes months and years of repetition. Make these types of conversations an ongoing part of life.
I’ve heard that it takes one month for every year of age to change a behavior, so be patient (and consistent). If you are helping a 12-year-old change, it may take a year before the change sticks. Keep with the conversations, and just like your parent’s voice is in your head, these conversations will stay in their head when you are not there.
3. Use questions, not lectures.
The more we talk, the less we are heard. Questions require the brain to engage, even if only briefly. Most of what you have to say could be rephrased as a question. If you use more questions, you’ll create more internal reasoning, thinking and better motivation.
